A study at Wright State University surveyed more than 8,000 people from different walks of life and almost all rated themselves as listening as well as, or better, than people around them. Most people believe that their listening skills are where they need to be, even though they aren’t (our self-serving cognitive bias is at play!). Listening is a bit like intelligence - most people think they’re above average, even though that’s impossible. I imagine you have a list of people in mind! I bet though, ‘you’ are not on that list! They ignore what people have said and rush in to make their own points. They interrupt people and complete their sentences. We all know people who are not great listeners. Learning to practice your listening skills until it becomes a habit can do more to improve your relationships at work and at home than perhaps any other single behaviour. Just imagine the impact we could all have on others, especially those closest to us, if we dialled up our presence and listening by just 10% in our conversations. They're either speaking or preparing to speak. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand they listen with the intent to reply. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people listen with the intent to reply." S Covey "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. Our conversations become monologues, and we never really understand what's going on inside another human being. He was looking at the world through his own lens and his experiences. This man didn't have the vaguest idea of what was really going on inside Sam's head. I guess what I don't understand is why he won't listen to me."
I went through the same thing myself when I was playing footie as a kid.
"Oh" he said again, as the light began to dawn. "I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to them?" "Yes he never listens to me, I am trying to help him…" he replied. " You don't understand Sam because he won't listen to you?" "That's right, he just won’t listen" he replied. "So what you’re saying is" I replied, "you don't understand Sam because he won't listen to you?" He just won't listen to me at all" says the Dad. I have tried talking to him about footie. I stumbled across this quote recently and it made me think of a conversation I had with a Dad on the football touchline, which went something like this… “ Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them” James A. We often switch off, run on autopilot and stop listening to the most important people in our lives. Now think about at home, recall a conversation you had recently with your partner or your kids where you stopped listening. What impact did it have on you? How did that conversation end? Not great probably. Stop for a moment and recall a conversation you had recently where the other person was not listening. We have all been in a situation where we don’t feel listened to? It’s infuriating and is one of the main reasons conversations spiral out of control and end in disagreements, or at worst an argument. If we operate on autopilot when talking to people, it can, however, mean that we stop noticing and listening! If we are not present in the moment, we negatively impact the conversations we have, whether it be at work or home. Largely unconscious – not literally, of course. Like when you ride a bike, play sport or drive to work. When we’re good at something and we do it on a regular basis, instead of doing it consciously, fully alert and with our brains engaged, we can operate quite effectively in flow, or unconsciously. You will have, I’m sure, heard of the phrase ‘on autopilot’.
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